The Phoenix
by A Cullen Wannabe
Summary: Bella thought she had finally found her own fairy tale when she married Edward. Unfortunately, her happy ending turned into heartbreak. Not divorced, and yet not really married either, she tries to raise her two kids on her own. She has sworn off men for good, enjoying the peace of a man free household. Unfortunately, life never stays peaceful for long and challenges always loom.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: There will be long, long breaks between chapters on this, as I don't have this one mostly completed like I do Runaway Bride, but I just felt like posting it tonight. In fact, I've barely begun. It's different and it's full of angst, and as much as it pains me to admit…it's a big part of me and why I haven't been able to post much for the past two years. I'm going to turn my struggle and pain into something else, though. I'm going to give myself a story that will make me smile, and maybe someday I'll have it for real. This hasn't been betaed, mostly because I didn't give my beta a chance to work on it. For some strange reason I feel compelled to post it tonight…and so I shall. Hope you enjoy and please be gentle…this is more than just a random character and needless to say, I'm still pretty raw.**

**Prologue**

_I keep going back to your profile and reading it over and over. It's hard to describe what I feel when I read your words. It's like my soul warms up and radiates throughout my body and I just know I'll regret it forever if I don't contact you. If you'd like to get to know me better, please reply to the address below, as this account is my friend's which I borrowed. I really hope to hear from you soon._

_Edward_

Ten years ago, those words were the first contact I'd ever had with Edward Cullen when he replied to my profile on match dot com . At the time, I was seeing someone, so I responded. I said that he seemed really nice, but I was already involved with someone. I went on to say I would be happy to be his friend. The relationship was already falling apart and he was my go-to guy for male advice in regard to said boyfriend. He was really great.

I broke up with the guy the day before Valentine's Day and had confided in Edward that I was sad to, once again, be alone on Valentine's Day just like I always was. I never dreamed that when I got home from work that night there would be three dozen carnations and box filled with adorable, thoughtful gifts waiting for me. It was obvious he'd already planned on sending them before I'd even broken up with the guy, knowing that it was just pity that had kept me holding on in the end. I didn't feel guilty at all when that night he asked me to meet up with him for the first time and I agreed. We didn't meet for three more days, but from that point on I always considered Valentine's Day our anniversary, as it was the day I finally realized that I truly did have feelings for Edward Cullen.

Our first date went from meeting for lunch to a 14 hour marathon date with lunch, movie, dinner, bowling, pool, and talking in our cars until the wee hours of the morning. I drove home that night, looked myself in the mirror, and said, "OH my God, Bella! You just met the man you're going to marry!"

Valentine's Day that following year, Edward proposed and the following July I was walking down the aisle to become his wife. I didn't have the slightest worry or twinge of fear. I just KNEW it was right. I'd known from the moment I first set eyes on him that he was the one.

It makes for such a wonderful, romantic story, and I thought on that day that we would be together forever. I had no idea of what pain was ahead for me. It didn't take long before he started ignoring me. We were married less than a year before I found myself going to bed alone every night while he stayed up till the wee hours of the morning playing video games. I kept thinking that if I gave him space, things would improve, but they didn't. I tried nagging. I tried seducing. I tried ignoring. I tried everything and nothing seemed to make a difference. He would engage for short periods of time before he was back in game land.

Then one day something amazing happened. My period was late and when it did finally come a few days later, we were both disappointed. I'd wanted a baby all of my life. I adored children and knew my life wouldn't be complete without them. Edward also wanted kids. Originally, we had a plan to wait a few years before we started having children, but that little event sparked a conversation and we decided we wanted to try.

For quite a few very long months, we had a common goal. He was my partner again. I kept track of my temperature and my cycles and he'd take time to look after me and take advantage of our peak times. Afterward he'd help me prop my feet up, or when that didn't seem to work, help me reposition myself over the side of the bed so I could more or less stand on my head and let gravity assist our hopeful swimmers. Every month we were both so hopeful…and every month the cramps predicted the impending disappointment.

We'd finally decided to give up on all of the tracking and attempts to manipulate nature's course in time for our anniversary. We had already made plans months ago to go to Seattle to see family. Three weeks later, I realized something felt different. I couldn't wait. I took a test and screamed bloody murder when two telltale little lines showed up instead of the standard single line that had taunted me for months. I called him at work and screamed into the phone, "TWO PINK LINES! Oh my God, Edward, it's TWO pink lines! We're having a baby!" He laughed and cried with me over the phone.

My pregnancy with EJ was relatively easy. The delivery, however, was a living nightmare. He was breech and something deep within told me that trying to rotate him and induce was asking for trouble. Instead, we scheduled a C-section. It went downhill fast. One thing led to another, and at one point, I thought neither of us was going to make it. Thankfully, God is good and we survived together.

Edward was so great in the hospital and for those first months with EJ. My mom took several weeks off of work to come stay and help out. Edward was very hands on in those first few weeks too. He helped take care of EJ while I recovered and helped me maneuver and get in and out of the restroom for the first few days as the 30 some odd staples holding my T shaped incision together made moving quite difficult. I was in a lot of pain, yet I was so happy that EJ was safe.

On the second day after we were home, we were laying in bed for an afternoon nap and started talking about all of the things that had happened, and I started talking about what I hoped would go differently with the next one. I'll never forget how he looked at me with awe in his eyes.

"You really want another one after all of this?"

I shrugged. "Of course. I always thought we would have at least 2 kids, if not more."

He just shook his head, his eyes wide with some kind of wonderment. "You amaze me. I was afraid after all of that you'd say never again. It hasn't even been a week and you're already talking about doing it all over again?"

I just smiled. "He's worth it and the next one will be, too."

The problem was that the longer time passed, the more Edward seemed to drift away. It wasn't long before he was up gaming all night again and sleeping in every morning with me harassing him awake to go to work.

When EJ was only about 18 months old, we decided to start trying for another baby, believing that two to three years apart would be ideal. The only problem was that Edward's heart just didn't seem to be in it. It took almost a year and a half to finally get pregnant, during which time I was diagnosed as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Hypothyroidism. When I did get pregnant, he seemed so excited at first, talking to my stomach, and being so sweet. Unfortunately, I made some comment about how great it was and the sweetness abruptly stopped. My pregnancy was a particularly difficult one…far more difficult than my pregnancy with EJ had been. The more I struggled, the more I saw Edward pulling further and further away, as if he were disgusted with my weakness. I also struggled with horrible sleep issues. I believed it was severe sleep apnea combined with insomnia. I slept in a recliner in the livingroom when I could sleep and sobbed all night the times I couldn't. I was exhausted, physically and mentally, and added to the stress of taking care of a three year old, I felt so defeated.

By the time Ellie was born, Edward had grown quite cold. I started having blood pressure issues and combined with my exhaustion, the doctors decided to take her a week earlier than we had scheduled. My mom had a new job by then and couldn't reorganize her schedule, which meant it was just me and Edward for that first week of my recovery. It was like night and day from the experience when EJ was born. Where he had been attentive and sweet after EJ, he ignored me and played video games most of the time. He took care of EJ's basic needs, food, toileting, etc, and helped some with Ellie, but basically left me to fend for myself and Ellie most of the time. I never felt more alone. His mom came over and helped as much as he could, but all I really wanted was for Edward to wake the hell up and do something!

No matter what I did, nothing snapped my husband out of his state of apathy. My fairytale happily ever after had turned quite miserable and I didn't know what to do. Eventually, I fell into my own state of passive aggressiveness. I stopped doing some things hoping he'd get off his butt and do them because it might drive him crazy enough to do something…anything. I started pushing all of my free time and energy into a new hobby I had found of writing. It was my therapy and when the kids went down at night, I either read or wrote to the point it was a massive part of my life…a part I preferred over the reality. I guess in some ways, I ultimately gave him a taste of his own medicine and I think he hated that more than anything else. Unfortunately, it didn't change anything. It only made things even worse. Eventually we really had become little more than roommates.

That didn't stop the conviction deep inside of me though. I was raised to believe that marriage is for good and you don't give up. I had two conditions that I made clear from the beginning…if a guy ever beat me or if he ever cheated on me, I would be gone. No negotiation, no capitulation. Although, life isn't always as clear cut while in the moment as it seems from the outside looking in.

He was thirty-four. She was nineteen. They met at church camp of all places. He'd gone his whole life and when he got old enough, he started going as a counselor and then a director. I'd helped out the first few years we were together before our children came along. She was an eleven-year-old camper my first year assisting. Our daughter wasn't even two, our son was five when we hugged him and sent him off to camp the year it all hit the fan. She was a counselor that year. He came back with her phone number and texted her constantly. He claimed she was depressed because her dad died the Christmas before and she was confiding in him, but it all felt really off to me. I didn't want to be one of those bitchy wives though, so I sat back and watched warily.

Then he started with the wanting to help her family out. His heart went out to the mom who made him think of his mom and what she would do if anything happened to his Dad. I didn't like it, but again, I was the evil one if I kept him from helping out people in need. He stayed gone one and a half days longer than originally planned and even missed a day of work. When he came back, he had a carload of their shit in the back of his car which he claimed there was no room to store safely until they put stuff away and made room. I called bullshit and we had a huge fight. Our anniversary was the following weekend and the whole night I was haunted by the artifacts taking up the back of his SUV as he drove me to dinner.

A few weekends later, I texted to say my mom and I were taking the kids to a movie. When I got out there was a voicemail from him saying he was heading back to their place to take their stuff and help out with a Gospel music festival thing they were supposed to volunteer in the following morning. We fought on the phone again and I felt sick. It was all so obvious, but I had no proof. The next afternoon I started trying to call him and he didn't answer and didn't answer, so I looked up the festival to see when it was supposed to be over. Surprise, surprise, it didn't even start until six that evening. He still wasn't answering his phone, so I decided to see if I could find a number for her and her family. I didn't know any other way to find it besides seeing if it was linked to her Facebook. He was friends with her…I wasn't.

I logged into his facebook account where I found his emails to her sister lamenting that this nineteen-year-old said they would never be more than friends, and she didn't see him that way. When the sister apologized and said "Yeah, but aren't you married anyway?" He went on to talk about how it was a bad marriage and outline all the ways I sucked and how fat I was and refused to do anything about it. Nevermind that he had also gained a good 50 lbs since we'd married and had a sizeable paunch himself. And apparently he had also forgotten that I was a plus size girl when we met and married, and was only two sizes larger than I had been then, and that was after having those two very invasive C-sections to deliver his children.

I was so hurt, mad, and heartbroken. Yeah things were bad, but how dare he when he checked out of our marriage years before? What was I supposed to do? Worship him and throw love at a brick wall forever just to be rejected and ignored? Hell yeah I gave up after a while. Anyone would! Instead, I invested everything in our kids. And I was determined that he could go to hell for all I cared because I was going to be fine without him.

First, I called and screamed at him in the phone calling him out on his cheating, sorry ass, and how much I hated him. Then I called him back an hour later when he still hadn't responded. By then I had hit my scary, calm, crisis management mode. My voice was cold and hard when I told him to get his ass home now so we could figure out if I was moving out with the kids or if he was leaving us in the house.

It still took him five hours to get home. He claimed it was because he had to pull over because he was crying so hard, knowing he had ruined everything, and that he was going to be the first person in his entire extended family to get a divorce. When he got home, he swore he'd never had sex with her, though I knew it was probably more to do with her lack of interest than anything. He said he had been suffering from a deep depression for a long time and it was nice to feel appreciated and desired. I responded with what was, basically, welcome to my last eight years. It would be nice to feel that again.

We talked for hours and eventually decided that we owed it to our kids and ourselves to try to work things out. We went to counseling, but he went in with a negative attitude and it did us no good. Things were better for a little while, but slowly we found ourselves back where we'd started.

The following year he went back to camp knowing I was upset about it, but not really caring. She was there but, supposedly, things were different. She had held him at arm's length for some time and his mother was there with them, so I tried to be understanding…aka a doormat as usual, but I just didn't know what else to do. He came back and was more distant than ever. He barely touched me or acknowledged me anymore. I was so miserable I couldn't see straight, but I wasn't going to be the one to leave. It's not my style to quit when things get hard. I did, however, whisper to the closed door of our bedroom one night after he walked in and stared at me with dead eyes before leaving again, "If you're that miserable, then just leave and let me get on with my life." I don't know if he heard me, but I've always wondered.

The summer passed as did our daughter's third birthday party, the first day of first grade for our son, and then the first day of preschool for our daughter. Things were so strained between us I could barely breathe the air. My heart ached and my whole body hurt from the constant tension. We took her in for her first day of class, taking pictures, and giving hugs and walked back out to the car in silence. I was driving and he was in the passenger seat. We were halfway back to the house when I just blurted it out in the car.

"You're miserable again, aren't you?"

He started to sob. "I haven't known how to tell you this, but I'm moving out."

"What?"

"It's been arranged for over a month now, but it was never the right time. I didn't want to ruin Ellie's birthday and then EJ's first day of school, and then Ellie's first day of preschool. I just…I'm miserable, Bella and I just can't live here anymore."

I could barely through my tears to drive. I somehow made it home and pulled in the driveway when he started talking again. It was hard to understand him through his sobs.

"It's so bad, I almost committed suicide."

"Oh my God!" I screamed. "When?"

"This summer. Remember that day you took the kids to swimming lessons and I was still here when you got back?"

"Oh God!" I sobbed.

"I put the gun in my mouth. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that the kids would see my car was here and run in to see me and find me. I…I couldn't do that to them!"

I sat there stunned for a minute before I reared back and punched him in the arm so hard he swayed in his seat. I hit him three more times.

"What the fuck, Edward? Holy Shit!"

I shook my head and cried trying to wrap my head around it and couldn't. All I could do was rear back and punch him again.

"Christ! Would you stop?"

"NO, you fucking, selfish, asshole! God! Even if they didn't walk in on you, do you know how bad that would fuck them both up for life!"

"I know! That's why I haven't done it since. I told my boss at work later that morning and he referred me to a counselor at work. I've been seeing her for over a month."

I left him in the car and walked inside the house without feeling my body. My heart pounded and my vision blurred. I had never in my life felt so horrible and sad and scared. I knew he was miserable, but dear God!

It took a few days for the pieces to start coming together. We talked and talked about everything. I tried to talk him into staying, afraid he might do something stupid if he didn't have the deterrent of the kids. Two days later he moved everything out after the kids were asleep and then came back the next morning. Together we took them over to the place he was going to be staying and explained to them that Daddy was moving out. It was so sad and horrible as they both cried and cried.

When we went to leave, Ellie was crying so hard. "I want Daddy! I miss Daddy!"

I tried my best to soothe her through my own tears. "It's okay, sweetheart. Daddy's going to come get you this weekend and bring you to spend the night at his place. Did you see that pool out back? I bet he'll take you swimming. Won't that be fun?"

"No!" She screamed. "I want my Daddy!"

EJ had been crying too up to that point and then he stopped and turned to his sister, reaching out to take her hand. "It's okay, Sissy. Didn't you hear Mommy? Daddy's coming to get us in two days. It's not that long. It will be okay."

I fought so hard not to bawl uncontrollably watching my sweet boy grow up and try to take care of his sister. He was only six, but in that moment, he was being more of a man than his thirty-five year old father.

We went straight to my Mom's house from there, all of us desperately needing some comfort. It broke my heart. EJ went to find her. She was in the basement bringing up laundry and he crouched at the top of the stairs and yelled down.

"It's bad news, Grandma! We're really sad!"

I walked around in a fog for days, cuddling on the kids every chance I got and putting every ounce of effort into trying to make them feel secure as possible. It was a hard road as we adjusted to the new way of life.

In some ways, things were easier. Life in our house didn't change all that much aside from one less person to feed, clean up after, do laundry for, etc. We were able to have supper when we got hungry instead of trying to wait for always late Edward and bedtime was a little easier not having to drag him away from the computer for prayer time. Instead, we called him at bedtime every night. For the first few months he always picked up until eventually he didn't. It was hurting the kids so much I eventually stopped calling him and he never called us to talk to the kids. Eventually his only interaction with them was the night a week he came to visit them and have supper with us and the every other weekend that he took them home with him. Somehow it worked.

I worked really hard to make things as easy as possible for the kids. A side effect was it was a hell of a lot easier for Edward than it might have been otherwise, but that wasn't my focus. My main goal in everything was that the kids felt safe, loved, secure, and happy. If that meant I plastered on a fake smile and tried to talk up going with Dad when it was time, then I did it.

Eventually, Edward and I found we got along a lot better when he wasn't living in the house. Sometimes we almost got along like we did before the weight of marriage bogged him down. It's the little things that really seem to make the most difference. More than once, when I've been sick, he's made the added effort to bring me my favorite soup from the little family diner in town. We go out to eat and still share food off each other's plates. At his extended family get-togethers, that his mother won't let me say no to, we end up sitting at the table laughing as we tell the same stories about early marriage and parenthood. We talk about things we did and people we knew like we're old friends. And I guess, in a way, that's what we really are. We started out as friends and maybe that's where we were always destined to end, but it seems like it shouldn't have hurt so much along the way. I twisted and bent myself so much trying to make everything work and accommodate him that I became someone I didn't even recognize. Maybe that's why we are able to communicate back on that wave length now. Maybe being away from him and the spiral we had somehow fallen into allowed me to return to some semblance of the person he fell in love with. I get totally frustrated with him still, yet I can see glimmers of the man I married, the caring guy who goes out of his way to stop and get you a quart of soup when your jaw doesn't want to open after dental work or your stomach hasn't accepted real food in days.

It's all very difficult and confusing. Sometimes, when we are like that, I think maybe, just maybe we could work things out…then I remember what life was like circling that drain in our self-made hell and I realize that it would never work out if we tried to go back. It's so hard to let go though. I always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman, and yet I have found myself making the weak decision over and over. It always comes back to the same two things…fear and desire to put others first. And by others, I mostly mean my kids.

All of my friends say we have the strangest divorce in history, even though two years of separation later we still aren't divorced. Neither of us are pushing for it and I don't have insurance through my job, so it benefits me as well. I know the time is coming fast when we won't be able to stay in this limbo, but I'm NEVER getting involved with a guy again and Edward doesn't seem to be in a rush to drop the legal knife, so we're in limbo. It's a strange place to be and I know it's probably stupid of me and rather unhealthy for us all, but I have to walk the tightrope as best I can for what's best for the kids and me. I think, in my heart, we're actually divorced. We're just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

Our anniversary was two months ago. He sent me a text before the day was over. **Happy 10****th**** Anniversary, Bella. I know it isn't as great as it was supposed to be. I'm sorry.**

That was it. It took me several hours to reply.

**Same to you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the wife you wanted/needed me to be. I don't know where we will be when this is all over, but please know you will always be special to me.**

I couldn't write I Love You. I'd accidentally said it a few nights before and it felt wrong. I cringed and I think he saw it. He said an awkward "you too" and left. As I closed the door, I cursed myself.

"Why the hell did you just say that, Bella? You don't love him." My heart constricted because I knew that finally, after all he'd put me through, it was true. At least not the way we really needed to love each other to make a marriage work.

It's time for me to move forward and move on. I just really don't know how…and I think for now, remaining married feels safe. I can't in good conscience date or get involved with anyone while I'm still legally bound to Edward. It's not in me. Some people could, but not me. So for now, staying like this, my heart is safe. I won't be tempted. I won't be broken. For as much as these past ten years have injured and banged me up, I'm still here. I'm still surviving. If I were to open myself up again…I'm not so sure this skin of mine could endure another pounding.


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Well here is chapter 1. Hope you enjoy and look forward to more Mr. Crankypants! Thanks to my beta, A Good Witch for helping me clean up the chapter! **

**The Phoenix: Chapter 1**

I pulled into the drive a little later than I'd planned. I had an hour for my lunch break, and had chosen to spend the time hitting the store. I rushed home to put everything away so we'd actually have something aside from peanut butter and jelly to eat for supper and only had ten minutes to clock back in. I'd just popped the tailgate and grabbed the first bag when I heard a voice yelling from the neighbor's house. I turned to see an extremely handsome yet angry-looking man stalk across the street.

As he grew closer, I saw that he was massive. He wasn't like ugly body builder strong with veiny muscles popping out all over, but rather very tall and wide with obvious strength flexing under his clothes. He had a military feel to his gait as he stomped toward me. As he got closer and I saw the left side of his face, it was clear he had been in some kind of skirmish, because his handsome face was marred by a long thick red scar that ran from his hairline, beside his eye, and ended near his mouth. He still would have been handsome were it not for the horrible look of utter hatred he was shooting me.

"Do you live here?"

"Um, yes?"

"So I have one question for you. Have you ever heard of a mower or a set of hedge clippers? Your lawn looks horrible. You're dragging down my property values just by your laziness."

"OH, I'm sorry, I just…"

He growled and held up his hand. "Save the excuses. Just get it taken care of before I call the code enforcers and lodge a complaint."

Without even a glance to see if I understood him, he turned and marched away. His fists clinched and unclenched at his side as he crossed the street.

"Yeah, nice to meet you too, asshole," I mumbled under my breath as I grabbed another handful of bags and began hauling them to the front door. Thanks to that lovely little exchange, I was just going to have to throw all of the frozen stuff in the freezer, bag and all, and leave the canned food in the back of the van until I got home after work.

I let out the dog and stowed the perishables before rushing back out the door to hop in the van and dash back to work. As I went to shift from reverse to drive after backing onto the street, I glanced over to see what the man who was, apparently, my new neighbor glowering at me. His lawnmower idled in his white knuckled grip.

I rolled my eyes, shifted the car, and rushed up the narrow road back to work. As if I didn't already have enough of my plate, now I had the jerky neighbor from hell on my case. Lovely!

o~O~o

Work was chaos that evening. I got back to find Colton not only had not fallen asleep but had awakened the rest of the class back up as well. I managed to finally get them all laying back down and quiet, but the next hour of naptime wasn't going to be fun. Usually the gal that covered my break was good about getting them to stay down, but she wasn't in today and the sub was struggling.

The rest of the afternoon went about as well as one would expect when the kids didn't get in their nap of the day. There were a lot of tears and whining and a lot of Ms. Bella trying hard to keep her cool. The one good spot was getting to hug my own kids when they got off the bus from school to hang out in the after care program upstairs. Having a classroom by the door is a plus when it comes to getting a quick squeeze and update about their day and what homework we were looking at while my class eats snack. I'm so grateful to have a job that lets me see my kids every day while I'm still working and getting paid.

I usually don't see them again until near the end of the night, but that's okay. At least I'm in the same building if something goes wrong…and more than once I've had to cut out early after one of them got off the bus with a fever. All in a day's work for a single mom, I guess. Not like I can count on Edward to come get them and take some time. He's got way more vacation than I and doesn't end up losing any pay if he has to leave, meanwhile, I burned up my vacation almost as soon as I got it thanks to a nasty summer flu that kept us home for a whole week.

Five thirty couldn't come quickly enough. We were all more than ready to be home and relax.

When I rolled into the driveway at 5:45 that evening, Mr. Crankypants was nowhere to be seen, but Edward was waiting in the drive instead. I sighed as the kids yelled his name in excitement and clamored out of the car to run and give him big hugs. I shut everything down and grabbed my bags, sighing as I approached the front door to unlock it. The kids talked over each other as they competed for Dad's attention and it was already grating on my nerves.

Well he got what he wanted at least. Now the kids were always so happy to see him because it was a novelty and he got to be the fun Dad. Not that I wanted to trade…I would never give up custody of my babies in exchange for a handful of days a month spread out through every other weekend and one night a week. They were my life and I was happy to have it that way. It was enough for me and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

"Hey," he chirped with a smile.

"Hey," I mumbled back as I made my way into the kitchen to grab the plates for supper and stir the crockpot meal I had prepared that morning. Fifteen minutes later, we were all sitting around the dining room table saying grace and digging in to the meal du jour, Taco Soup.

Conversation hovered around school and new classes. Ellie had just started Kindergarten the week before and EJ was going into third grade. They both had lots of stories to share and I couldn't help but smile at how they expressed themselves. Sometimes they reminded me of Edward, but the majority of the time I felt like I was looking in some sort of mirror. So much of my mannerisms and expressions had been picked up by them; sometimes it was like I had two mini me running around.

EJ was done first. He asked to be excused and cleared his plate before disappearing into his room to gather his Lego forces. Ellie wasn't too far after, but instead of going off to play, she climbed in Edward's lap and pestered him, demanding in her very in your face way to have his undivided attention. It wasn't until I started clearing plates and told her it was time to go get her jammies for after her shower that she finally backed off.

I was on my third trip to the kitchen with dishes when Edward spoke up from his seat at the table.

"Hey Bella, what do you think about selling the Jeep to help pay for a truck for me? The Honda is on it's last leg and I have a friend selling his truck at a good deal."

I took a deep breath and counted to ten as he detailed all the wonderful attributes of the new toy he had his sights set on. It was always something. The summer before it was a motorcycle. He'd just HAD to have this Suzuki a few years before. His friend was selling it and had taken immaculate care of it, etc, etc. Eventually we compromised and took out a home equity loan which we used to consolidate his credit card debt he'd racked up over the past few years, buy his motorcycle he so desperately wanted, and to hire a contractor to replace the broken down old fence that ran along the East side of our yard.

The motorcycle worked well for one season and then started having issues. It spent two years in our garage torn to bits before he finally got the parts to fix it. He was almost there, he just had to put it together, clean the carb and he would have been golden, but he just didn't. The first summer after he moved out, he informed me after the fact that his best friend's dad was in a very tight spot financially and needed to sell his VMax. In the end, he traded his motorcycle plus six grand of our tax return money for the bike, which Kelly Blue Book said was only worth about 4.5 grand. I heard more about how amazing that damn bike was than anything. During our marriage, I bent over backwards trying to make sure the bills were paid while he had all of his toys. He had a super powerful gaming computer, a PS3, Xbox 360 with Kinect, smartphone, big screen TV, and the list goes on and on, but it was just never enough and I knew it never would be.

"I'm all for selling the Jeep. It's been sitting in my yard for two years now. I'd like some of that money though. I still have to get some teeth filled and the insurance has run out. I'd really like half of whatever you get out of it, especially since you should have more than enough to do what you're talking about in savings."

He flushed red and my blood pressure hit the roof. The year before we filed taxes together as it made the best sense financially. In the end, he tried to move all of the money out of our joint savings and into a private savings account of his at another bank as well as his whole bonus. I threw a huge fit and demanded he give me back half the tax money, which he was reluctant to do, saying that I couldn't have made enough to have been able to get that much back on my own. I went and saw a lawyer who said that he had to give me half and he also needed to give me the child support percentage of his bonus that he had rerouted so it had never gone into the joint accounts at all. He refused to give me any of that five grand saying that none of his coworkers had to pay child support out of their bonuses. In the end, he had eight thousand dollars in that savings account and after I paid off the medical bills hanging over my head I had just over 2 thousand which was still five hundred less than the retainer that the lawyer I had seen said she would need to proceed.

I'd held onto the money so tight that I actually made myself pretend it wasn't even there. I scrimped and juggled to make ends meet. The plus side of Edward, he paid me almost half of his paycheck every month for child support and to help us stay in the house. My job at the daycare after taxes and the tuition for the kids (even at half price) wasn't even enough to pay the entire mortgage, much less any other expenses. I had to be careful…very careful…and here he was living with a friend and only paying $300 a month in rent, then gas, food, car insurance, and other incidentals and he blew through not only the other half of his paycheck but eight freaking grand? It was enough to make my aorta explode.

"And you wonder why I insisted on being in charge of our finances." was my only response. I picked up the last plate and stomped off to the kitchen to scrub it till it nearly broke in two. He passed behind me a few minutes later on his way to the kids' rooms. I could feel his eyes on me, but I wasn't about to look his way.

I basically ignored him as I helped the kids get showered and ready for bed. We went through the nightly prayers and song routine with the kids and tucked them in, but instead of going into the livingroom to talk to Edward before he left, I went to the backroom and settled in to do a little planning work. I felt him standing behind me as I worked, but I wasn't going to open the door for him. Our whole marriage I always opened the doors of communication and went to him, mentally getting him to open up to me. It was only fair he should stick his neck out…especially when it was for something he wanted.

Finally, he sighed. "I'm going to the bank tomorrow to get the loan so I can buy the truck off of Greg before someone else does. Then, when we sell the Jeep, I'll put that money toward paying off the loan."

"Half the money, you mean."

He stared at me in silence as I continued to tap on the keys of my laptop. It was probably gibberish by now, but I couldn't stop for more than a second to glance his way or I might explode and I knew that the kids would hear me for sure.

"Don't forget your half of the daycare tuition is due this week," I finally said looking up at him. "And school pictures will be coming up soon. You also still owe me $62 for your cell bill. It came out yesterday."

He nodded. "I'll bring the checkbook with me when I come to get the kids Friday night."

"Ok."

"Well, Good night."

Normally I would see him to the door to make sure the deadbolt was locked behind him, but I just didn't have the ambition or desire to see him out. Instead, I waved and said it back before returning to tapping speedily on the keyboard. The words on the screen transitioned to _Please God, give me strength. Help me make good choices. Help me not to wring his selfish neck. Please God, help me handle this with grace and give me peace._

I typed a little longer after erasing my little prayer for self control, but nothing was coming to me. After a while, I shut down the computer and turned out the lights. I curled into bed with a book and let the story of other people give me an escape. I'd been guilty of using reading and writing for an escape for a long time. It had become a good friend that I simply wasn't willing to get go. I spent an hour daydreaming about being someone else before finally shutting out the lights and passing out so I could wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

The next morning we were running late. I was ushering the kids through the door while trying to put my bag on my shoulder and close the door all at the same time, desperate to get the kids to school before the tardy bell rang. I opened the passenger door, tossed my bags into the passenger floorboard, and leaned across to shove my key in the ignition to get the engine started. Next, I moved to help the resistant Ellie with her seatbelt.

"I can do it, Mama!"

"I know, sweetie, but we're running late. I don't have time for this."

She started to throw a fit when I fixed her with my Mama glare. "Don't you even. We are late and you are NOT starting with me today, young lady. One cry out of you and Rainbow Dash is spending the next week sleeping in my closet."

Her eyes watered up with bottled emotion, but she kept it together and let me buckle her, close the door, and run around to the driver side door. Thankfully, EJ was more than capable of buckling with no assistance and was already all set and waiting.

I threw the car in reverse and used the rearview to back out of the drive. Unfortunately, I was in a rush and wasn't watching my blind spot. Mr. Crankypants just so happened to be backing out at the exact same time and we came a hair's breadth from scraping.

I was too surprised to suddenly find myself alongside his massive white SUV to do much more than stare in shock, mouth agape, as I white-knuckled the steering wheel. Another unfortunate coincidence was that we both had our windows down to enjoy the fall air, which meant no barriers between my kids' ears and the excessive string of profanity coming from beside us.

"I'm sorry! Jeez! Just calm down and one of us pull back in so we can go! We're late!"

Another set of curse words flew out through the window. Thankfully, the kids had covered their ears already. I shook my head and put the car into drive, carefully easing back in the driveway to let him go before backing out again and heading toward the school.

As we turned the corner, the kids took their hands off their ears.

"Mom?" EJ finally asked after a long pause.

"Yeah, Eeeej?"

"Why was that man so mad? We didn't hurt his car or anything."

I sighed. "I don't know, sweetie. Sometimes people have things in life we don't know about that makes them mad or sad. Some people are good at hiding it and being polite. Some people aren't."

He nodded. Ellie listened and then let out a little harrumph.

"What, Ellie?"

"Well, it was still really rude! He really needs a time out and to move to red."

I chuckled and nodded. "Yes, I think so too. But he's a grown up so there's nobody to put him in time out. Hopefully he can get over his mad soon and not be so rude."

She crossed her arms, her blonde curls bouncing as she shook her head and mumbled. "Lucky."

I smiled as we pulled into the parking lot. "Okay, kiddos. Here we are. Have a great day. Make good choices. And get me a green today!"

"Okay, Mom," they both chirped as they gave me kisses and we exchanged "Love Yous" before they threw their backpacks on and ran down the sidewalk to the door to the school. I chuckled as I watched them go through the door, and then shifted the car into drive and made my way toward work. I'd be there half an hour early, as usual, without getting paid for it, but in my opinion, a half hour of unpaid preparation is well worth the ease it provides during my day.

I couldn't really complain. Some days were a trial, but in the overall scheme of things, I loved my job. I wished I could write for a living, but that was a pipe dream, especially since most of my creativity dried up after Edward moved out. I pushed my way through my last book, the unknown third part of the published series that nobody really knows about because I suck at publicity. I still don't know how I finished it in the aftermath of his moving out, but somehow I did. Then I went through edits the first month after I got hired into the daycare. It was brutal. Once it was over, every last ounce of creativity had been sapped from me. It was finally starting to trickle back, and it felt great. The only thing that would be better is if I could be paid to write like that every day and to be able to support my family. Then again, doing it as a job would probably sap all of the fun out of it. Even publishing what I did was stressful. The posting for free online is way more fun and more or less pressure free.

Anyway, back to me and my actual work versus my dream work. Teaching preschool has been an interesting challenge, especially considering the first year I did it Ellie was one of my students. I had a class of very physical and ornery boys. Add to that the drama queen girls, my own daughter being a very capable addition to the pack, and it was a difficult year. I loved that I got to work and still got to spend my last year before Kindergarten with Ellie, but man it was hard. I didn't even realize how hard it was until I got my new class in the fall. I felt like I was on vacation! Thankfully, Ellie has taken well to Kindergarten so that's good too. In spite of it all, Edward; his drama; the pain of the past few years; I still felt so blessed. I'm not sure I could say that without my babies in the picture, but they made it all worth it and it really felt like God was holding us all together. I just had to trust he would keep on holding.

I walked in to my classroom to find the opening teacher in there with two classes worth of kids. I smiled as they all called out "Ms. Bella!" and started talking over each other trying to tell me something uber important. I smiled and said good morning, and gave out hugs when they were requested. Another thing I have to say about my job, those little kids sure do make you feel loved and important. It makes going to work so much easier knowing they look forward to seeing you.

Finally freeing myself from little arms, I made my way down the hallway to sign in and get some coffee from the break room. My bestie, Sue, was already there sipping on her coffee and flipping through the sale bills. Sue was 14 years older than me, but we were thick as thieves as soon as I started working at the day care. She had her own history with a really abusive ex and an on again, off again boyfriend with a peter pan syndrome who was scared to commit. She'd helped me come so far in my process of shaking off my Edward stuff and standing on my own two feet proudly. I don't know what I would have done without my Sue.

"Well, Bella, you ready for today?"

"Ready as I'll ever be!" I reply adding some Cinnabon creamer to my big mug of coffee and sighing as I took my first big sip.

"Looks like it's a nice day out. Shoot for a 10:30 playground time?"

"Sounds good to me!"

"Alright! See ya then!"

She scooped up her papers and headed down the hall while I got to work using the machine to crank out some die cut shapes for my lessons later in the week. When I was done, I grabbed my goodies and made my way down the hall only to come up short and blink in surprise when Mr. Crankypants was standing in the middle of the hallway, a big utility belt hanging from his hips. Our director, Stephenie, was pointing at the alarm system that had been beeping annoyingly all morning. I watched as he nodded and talked with her in a completely non-angry voice. It was almost shocking to see him acting halfway normal.

When he looked like he was turning my way, I jumped back into the staff room, not sure if I wanted him to see me. To get to my class, I was going to have to walk right past him, but I really just didn't want to have to do that. I crept up and peeked around the corner again, relieved that his back was to me. I stepped into the hall and started to walk that way when inspiration struck. I turned the other direction and went the opposite way down the hall to the door that led to the church section of our building. Once outside I hurried to the main entry doors and let myself in.

For one glorious second I thought I was home free until I stepped into my classroom to find Mr. Crankypants himself standing in the middle of the room assessing something attached to the ceiling. As soon as his eyes landed on me, his smooth featured morphed into a scowl moments before my fifty die cut shapes fell out of my hand to scatter all over the floor.

"It's okay, Ms. Bella! We'll help you!" Katy, one of my little girls, cheered before the whole group of kids swarmed at my feet collecting all of the squares, circles, and triangles that had fallen on the ground while I stood there looking like an idiot. Surprisingly, Steph didn't even notice.

"Ah! This is our Pre-K teacher, Ms. Bella Cullen. Bella, this is Emmett McCarty. He's going to be upgrading our security for the next couple of weeks, so if you see him around, you know why."

I blinked and nodded. "Hi. Um, it's nice to meet you?"

His scowl deepened before he turned around the walked out of the room without a reply.

"What's wrong with him?" Steph asked.

"You remember me telling you about the Cranky new neighbor that chewed me a new one and almost made me late coming back from break yesterday?"

She frowned and nodded.

"I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Crankypants."

Her lips quirked. "Well this should be interesting."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, as interesting as a root canal!"


End file.
